Day 5: June 25, 2021

Dear @jstallz @intrinsicpaths

Day 5: 38 minutes, 3891 steps, 1.87 miles. I have sat helplessly with my grief for three days now, and yesterday was the darkest day. I had every light in the house on, trying to ward off the shadows. Wept off and on, slept the sleep of the weary. I have held this precious, sad, lonely child of the past while she cried. Squeezed her close, listened to her wordless stories and moans. And I rubbed her back, gently tugged her tails as those beautiful weepy eyes held mine.

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As I walked today, Sadness remains my constant companion, a stronghold around my neck. This morning, I am able to loosen her grip somewhat, not completely, but enough to breathe once again. As I walked, I noticed that someone has (once again) knocked over the balanced stones, and yet the sun came out from behind the dark clouds today. I looked at a photo of my father as a baby— who might he have become had he been allowed? If he had not been told he was just another negro, a nigger, a nothing? What if he had been seen and embraced as a child, a teenager, a young man, a human being? What if the world was a just place? Who might my mom have been if she had not been erased by her schizophrenia? What if the voices in her head told her that she was beautiful, if she didn’t have demonic visitors? Would she have hugged me then? I miss my parents so much, grieve so much over what has been, and I long to look into their eyes to see who they are now— completely freed, completely healed.

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Who might I have been, if things were different? Who am I becoming, who am I? How did I survive; why did I survive? Why am I here?

Today, I am clinging to the promise of Psalm 30:11 "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy…"

#walking #solowalkingtherapy #walkingalone #selfcare

~Tinooseus!